written by: grace kohhttp://www.gracekoh.com/
hi.
i'm grace. i like to write.
political, raunchy, and extremely non-pc...i'm quite possibly the oddest duck you'll ever encounter.
here at my column - gk clusterfuck - you'll have the opportunity to tap into the brain of a girl who's basically a dude...minus the penis...plus the tits. i'm a walking contradiction. i drive an old, ratty, stick-shift pick-up truck...and climb out of it in the teeniest of summer dresses. i'm the biggest nerd you could dream up. makeup-less and equipped with glasses, i deceivingly come off as unassuming. then upon opening my mouth...i'm vulgar as sin and swear like a sailor.
i'll post here regularly about sex, dating, politics, or the randomness that is my life. if you do not particularly enjoy vulgarity, profanity, too-much-information when it comes to sex, or left-wing liberal craziness...you had better leave right now (and forget you ever saw this page). and if you do like those things? you still might not enjoy my writing. fuck you. it's my column.
the meat of this blog is in rooted my clusterfuck approach to life and dating. if you'd like know how i ended up here, you can explore - what leads one here? - a post from another of my many blogs. perhaps that recap of the past few years gives just a tiny bit of insight when trying to comprehend why i'm turned so upside down? or it could simply be that i'm a total weirdo. either way, you'll come to learn what makes me tick in the dating realm.
today's post? my absolute deal-breakers. no ifs, ands, or buts. no exceptions!
listed below are the turn-offs strong enough for me to rule out a date without so much as a second thought. since i only use online dating to recruit the poor sons-of-bitches who get to date me, a few deal-breakers pertain when perusing their profiles.
if you fall under the umbrella of any of the following, sorry charlie.
it's an instant sayonara to...
· smokers. no further comment needed.
· anyone with very poor spelling and/or grammar (on a consistent basis). i've certainly been guilty of the occasional slip-up from typing fast or leaving no time to proof-read an email; however, repeatedly confusing the forms of to/two/too or there/their/they're is simply uncalled for.
· additionally, anyone who types out an email as if they're texting is just sad (i.e. substituting "ur" for "your"). i barely relented abstaining use of these abbreviations in real texts...until verizon character-limited my verbose ass. fuckers.
· guys who are too orange from fake baking. gross.
· men who wear more jewelry than me (you can't tell this online, but it becomes immediately apparent upon first meeting). wtf is up with guys wearing gold bracelets in vegas? seriously. true of even cool/likable colleagues while working corporate there. oh...and pinky rings? are you fucking kidding me with this shit?! should never be worn by men.
· pretty boys who look like they spend an hour to get ready. i can't deal with "too pretty". i know i can't expect men to be as careless as i am with respect to primp/prep time (approximately 2.7 minutes)...but too much is too much.
· stupid people. it's simple. you can't be an idiot. you don't have to be the president of your local mensa chapter to date me...or even particularly intelligent. i just find it ridiculously difficult to become attracted to a box of rocks, no matter how irresistibly hot you may be. i miiiiight fuck you (only if you catch me in the perfect storm of spontaneous situations), but it would still be a huge maybe. however, drinks/dinner/socializing is probably off the table.
· jerks. if you're unkind to the waiter/valet/bartender/hostess/other customers of where we are? total boner kill. i don't care if you treat me like a fucking queen. unwarranted rudeness is never o.k. in my book.
· people who don't put their shopping carts away at stores. i fucking hate this. i never noticed how much until i moved to vegas...where it's apparently a pre-requisite to become a legal resident. as children, we were always taught to put our carts away. furthermore, my dad would often make us run to the cart corral upon first arrival to retrieve on the way in. this would save the poor sap whose job it was to round them up in the bitter iowa cold or sweltering humidity. i don't care how much of a hurry you're in. you don't leave carts in parking spots. if you had enough time to buy something requiring a cart, you have enough time to put said cart away. and no...lifting the top 2 wheels onto a flower/tree bed doesn't count. this never ceases to baffle me (as it's so much more work). fucking lazy people. (i'm almost off my soap box...but as you can tell, this one especially gets under my skin). so much so, that when i first become single (and was inordinately boy crazy), i was this close to asking out a very cute guy i kept bumping into during a night of groceries. he finished loading up his SUV as i pulled out of my spot. the moment i saw the cart leave his hands and into a parking spot, i shook my head in disgust. sorry duder. not in this lifetime.
so, that pretty much sums up my absolute deal-breakers. there might be a few more that aren't immediately coming to mind, but my word limit is spent.
dear god...am i really that picky? i suppose so.
