written by: grace koh
http://www.gracekoh.com/
Wow. Has it really been 10 months?
It feels like just yesterday...I was dusting off the old vagina and wondering what the hell I was supposed to do in this newly foreign, extrinsic world of single.
I joined Match.com on Christmas Eve - the day I was supposed to be coming home from 2 weeks in Costa Rica (which I had already paid for). Suffice it to say, I was a bit rusty on dating. 2 committed relationships spanning a cumulative 7 years will do that. However, whole months now dangerously float past without notice. When I pause to consider...I suppose I have spent the year gathering a few notches on the dating belt. It's interesting to review the ways in which my habits have significantly shifted. First of all, I have a very different set of goals now vs. when I first became single. But practically speaking? I'm much more proficient at disencumbering moments of awkwardness. I can better gauge which direction a date is heading. I've become adept at the transitions, closers, and buy-byes.
I pretty exclusively use Match.com to source my dates. Effective. Efficient. Streamlined. Informative. Initially, I was spending a lot of time being overly nice to people I wasn't interested in. I felt guilty if I didn't personally respond to every message with a "thanks but no thanks" explanation. Or at date's end, it felt mean if I didn't spout the obligatory (but false), "Ok..." when asked on the spot if we can do this again. No more. It took me a couple months to gather some cojones to tell the honest truth (or let solicitations simply go unanswered). Not in a brutal or mean sort of way...but in a manner which saves time and heartache all around.
I've also become quite adept at the receiving end of this. I never hold hard feelings for disinterest. Honesty is admirable in my book. As I've stated (repeatedly), sometimes it's just not there. And as we all know...I do not attempt to mask the crazy. Let's face it, I'm a total weirdo. I voluntarily go undercover (or as myself) on Craigslist adventures for a documentary. I spend days on end in studios...sometimes with little to no human interaction aside social networking. I choose to devote time at an unpaid internship over hanging out with friends. Just because I'm certifiable...doesn't mean I'm not cognizant of my oddities. I guarantee the sacrifice will be well worth it. Someday. With me, what you see is what you get. Deal or no deal.
It's always curious to realize the moment of transition in a date. Either to sex...or to buh-bye. I hate when it comes time for that awkward end...parting ways with someone you honestly wouldn't care to see again. It's far easier when the feeling is mutual (or when they're simply intuitive enough to read between the lines). However, I did pick up a few good ways to say "buh-bye" which don't mislead. "Take care" and "Have a safe drive home". Pure gold.
As a woman, I'll admit that we have much more control when it comes to steering the direction of how the date will end. More often than not, if the guy has zero interest in seeing a girl for Round 2...he's still willing to settle on sex with her (even if meaningless). This usually leaves it up to the lady to decide where the night will go. However, I do enjoy sitting back to observe. I like to people watch. Even if I'm set on my decision to not go home with a guy, witnessing his "closing" techniques fascinates me.
With online dating, I think it's relatively clear (before you even meet up) whether or not the date will end in sex. You both have this neatly packaged pile of pictures and information on your prospect. (Unless they only post a few sentences along with 1-2 conspicuously vague photos. Avoid those people.) Then you surmise the chemistry level from the types of things they've included in their profile. Furthermore, you've got the email rapport leading up to the eventual meet 'n' greet. Finally, the time and location will be a key indicator in gauging chances of first-date sex.
Examples:
Guy: Nice but Very Vanilla Chauffeur (1st Match.com date ever)
Date: Sunday Afternoon Lunch...Korean BBQ
Prognosis: Probably not
Survey Says: Negatory
Guy: Curiously Fascinating Local Poker Pro
Date: Sunday Night...Japanese Hibachi for Dinner + Hookah Bar Drinks
Prognosis: I'm thinking yes
Survey Says: Indeed
Guy: Down-to-Earth Architect (succinct profile + somewhat obscure photos)
Date: Tuesday night...Casual Coffee Bean
Prognosis: Sweet, but no
Survey Says: Perhaps down the line
Guy: Brainy ER Cutie (despising Vegas as much as I do)
Date: Wednesday Night Drinks
Prognosis: Dear god I hope so
Survey Says: Wow
Guy: Financial Broker
Date: Thursday Drinks at a fucking cool bar (Saints & Sinners)
Prognosis: Not sure if I'm into this guy...gonna have to go with no
Survey Says: Confirmed. Not into the guy...no.
Guy: Adorable Film Dude
Date: Thursday Night Happy Hour...Sushi + Laker's Playoff Game in Venice
Pertinent side-note: poor timing (of the month) + he lives south of LA + work in AM
Prognosis: I'm thinking not
Survey Says: Holy Yowzahs
I've got one that takes the cake...mind-blowing + truly shocked the shit out of me. But it's a bit too recent to share. (Even I have limits ;)
